Addiction is something that can hit us all, in minor or major ways.
And I’m addicted to you, yes you who read this, you on the other side of the screen.
Let me start saying, as someone who has a very low self esteem, when someone compliment you or what you do, I think it has a bigger impact on you then it would on most other people, being approved when never really been approved before, is kinda hard to deal with.
People starting to talk to you all the time, when you have never been spoken to, is scary, but in the same way nice, but again really hard to deal with.
But at the same time I throw every thing away to keep getting approved, when the positive feedback comes it’s like grapping a cannula and give you a dose of drugs, It makes me high for a little while, but after a little bit of time, the effect wear off, and I get punched in my face with depression, thinking weird things like, whats wrong, am I not good enough anymore, do people hate me, whats wrong with me etc.
Even though deep deep down I know that it’s just weird thinking, and of course there is nothing wrong, I’m just not “high” anymore, but for some odd reason I can’t explain myself that well enough to actually understand it, and therefor it’s just easier for me to try and impress you on the other side of the screen, because when you compliment me again, I might get a little “high” again on the approval.
It’s an addiction, and it is very hard to get away from, the world of the interwebs, I forget to live life, I forget to be social, I forget to tell my loveones that I actually love them, and even worst I forget to spend time with the ones I should be spending time with.
And it’s easy to say, well just don’t care about it or get away from it, or whatever you would say, but like any other addiction I just.. cant… I feel like I really need help, but then again I don’t ask for help because i’m “happy” on my pills of approval, and it gives me some confidents in myself, a feeling I’ve never really had.
It’s nice to know I’m worth something, but it’s like I need to get it told more often, as time goes on.
When I try to explain it to someone I talk with I always say: it’s so easy to walk up the stairs, but when I fall down everything feels so hard, and it doesn’t stop until I get up on a step I haven’t been on yet.
I waste my life by sitting on a chair, trying to impress as many as I can, because I know if I walk out side my door, I will never be noticed, why do I enjoy pressing F5 more than spending time living life.
.. I don’t know what to add more, I feel like there are so much more I want to say, I just lost all words.
And English is not my first language so it can be a bit hard at times to explain things right.
I guess this is fine to post as it is, just needed it off my chest.